**Warning: This post is female specific–and not suitable for anyone who has not experienced the joy of puberty…

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Today.

Today was a Doozie. AND not the cookie type…

There’s nothing else to call it. It was quite possibly the worst day I’ve lived through in the last 2 years.  I am SO glad it is over. 

I SUPPOSE I am glad that I was alive to see it—but then again, sometimes you just wish some days never were.

To preface my next comment I’d like to say, crying is not a bad thing. It’s a wonderful thing and we all need to do it from time to time just to release some sort of pent up emotion that can’t escape any other way—it’s cathartic. (See Catharsis: A Feminine Noun)

To put this in a little bit of perspective for you, let’s just say: I cry in movies, and at weddings, funerals, holocaust documentaries, I might cry if something awful happens to a friend and I commiserate, but I do not often cry over myself.  I am not a major crier—(so this is really saying a lot) and I felt like I was going to cry, today, at one point.  Or two. Maybe.

 

“They” always say, “bad stuff comes at you in threes”

I have no idea where this idiom has come from, but my mother says it, and so did a very famous pastor, (Leon Fontaine) with a genuine heart. His track record is good, and he travels internationally to teach Godly business principals and counsel marriages.

So,  I am inclined to believe there’s some truth behind that wives’ tale.

Here a little back story— I am a teacher. I come from a line of teachers, and though I never wanted to be a teacher—it happened anyway, and I am surprisingly good at it.  I give the credit to God for this, as I have attempted to mold myself after his son, and his son was a TEACHER.

I have been a teacher for 3 years.  Paltry, I know—but in that short time span I was also a coach. I coached volleyball, basketball, and track.  I was asked to become the lead teacher for the 7th grade hallway, and THEN unbeknownst to me, I was promoted (without the pay increase) to the “Dept. Head of ESL”.  Whew. I have organized multiple off-campus events, visited homes, given out books, been to EV-ER-Y training they asked me to go to, plus a few additional ones I found on my own. I have dealt swats, workouts, and dealt with parents’ torrential downpours of unacceptable and disgruntlement.  Three years. It has been a wild ride.

During those three years I experienced one of the worst years of my entire 30 years of life on this planet. 2014-2015. My hair began to turn gray. I developed a debilitating issue with “Dequairvains Tenosynovitis” in my left thumb spanning down into my wrist. I developed an umbilical hernia during a workout with the 8th grade girls on my team. I also began to have such terrible and lengthy menstrual cycles that I became slightly anemic. One day after having an “accident” leak though my SUPER-DOOPER JUMBO tampon AND the MEGA-GIGANTIC w/ WINGS NIGHT TIME pad I was wearing, I decided to take myself to the doctor. During work.  Come to find out, wrong birth control contributed, AND the following year they found a HUGE uterine fibroid that was larger than a softball. I had to have two surgeries in 2 years as a neophyte teacher…AND—I had no friends, no church, and no family other than my husband.

Why was that year so hard for me? Other than the afore-mentioned obvious reasons—I believe a lot of my health issues were brought on by stress…(and I am not even a big stress-er.)

I believe the stress was due to a terrible relationship with one of my over-seers. We never knew each other, but she thought she knew me. She presumed to own the right to speak into my life and tell me of all the ways I was inadequate and what I needed to do to correct such foolishness. She debased me. I was degraded to my face as well as quite OBVIOUSLY behind my back. Some staff (followers) were sucked into her cloud of negativity, and I tried SO hard to rise above and be irreproachable. But somehow, that just seemed to make it all worse. She must have thought I was perfect and all my efforts to improve were only making her more irritable and angsty. (Yes, Angsty.)

I tell all of this to you—dear readers—in the hopes that you might be able to connect with me in this, terrible season I experienced—as we all have had these moments…

On to today.  Today was worse than all of that.  I know that seems dramatic, and how could any ONE day out-suck THAT entire year?!?! Well, it’s because what happened today cut to my core. Part of my inner-most being. And it hurt me in a place that no one should really be able to hurt anyone—their personality.

I found out that someone was talking badly about me.  (Eh, one person? Who cares?!?) But she was not just venting…she was bad mouthing me to the entire English department during a “Professional Learning Conference” or PLC time.  And others were buying in, weighing in, and augmenting what was being said.  Ouch.

All because of two things:

1.) I had put a blue check-mark on an assignment that was an ESL testing document, and they thought I should have known better! (The document was for me… as I am the ESL coordinator.)

-and-

2.) I sent an email from someone else’s computer, stating it was me, and told her I had sent an email from her acct. because I didn’t want to log her out…and she said that was ‘fine’.  But later went behind my back and talked about how weird she thought that was and how it made her feel awkward.  AFTER lying to my face, saying it had been alright.

(This issue is now over—but someone even went so far as to tell me that what I had done was illegal!!  Just so you know I spoke with an officer, and was told that what I had done was not wrong, and maybe it was just poor judgement, however since it was to seek aid for a student, it was within the realm of my job.)

I. Hate. Liars. & Lies.   and anything closely resembling either of the two.

I always have.  And I don’t respect individuals whose words are worth less than the weight of a feather on the wind.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say. 

“Let your ‘yes’ be yes, and your ‘no’ be no.”  —The Bible

I was hurt—and as always I over analyzed EVERY aspect of the situation known to me.  At which point, I was making myself and my spouse more miserable. So, I had to stop.

There was nothing for me to do but to just give the entire situation over the one who is writing my story. He has a plan and he is going to make the drama and conflict pan out into a phenomenal denouement.

I just need to let go, and let God do His thing.

Let’s choose to trust Him above all else. It’s not easy to do—but it requires a choice to be made.  Above bitterness, above envy, above vain conceit. My life verse:  Philippians 2:3-4

Let us do just this.

Despite others making the wrong choice, let us make the right choice!

Lord,  Thank you for loving me, even when it feels like no one else loves or appreciates me. Thank you for always being in my corner when I walk into the ring. Thank you for never-ever-ever asking me to save myself, or solve my troubles on my own.  I trust you Jesus, I really do. You are the big brother I have never had, but always, always wanted. And I know, I know that you have got my back. I am so glad you see me as precious and valuable. I see you that way too. I love you. —Amen

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P.S.

Why did it hurt so badly?  I didn’t know back in February—but now it is April, and I have recently been into the Rocky Mountains of Colorado to get alone with God and to learn from some very influential women—and new insights into myself have been revealed. Layers of gunk from this fallen world have been peeled back—and now I do know why certain things strike me as worse than others.  It all has to do with my personal wounds.  More on this later, but if you have never heard of the book Captivating please check it out. OR if you have heard of it, or read it already but didn’t really get much out of it except for some confirmation on thoughts you have already had, (that was me) consider going to one of the Captivating Women’s Events.  You can check them out at the Ransomed Heart website.

I am the biggest skeptic ever. But my heart still secretly believes in restoration—that’s why I went. The time spent was invaluable, and none of the sessions disappointed.  Try it out—what is there to lose but the battle for your heart?!? (See: Where a Hole is, Matters)